Contend.

There is much on my heart these days. I'm not always sure what to do with it. Much of the time, I find myself talking about it or thinking about it more than I go to the One who knows better than all. In all of these situations, I am processing it out. Trying to make sense of it all. The question remains though - will any of it every make sense, really?

I am struggling. Normally, I am able to see at least a little past the struggle to contend with my emotions to keep pressing into Him. In the past, even in these places of contending and hard emotions, there has been a stubborn place that absolutely refuses to walk away from the Hope that is found in the Gospel alone - believing that there is no where else to go for life than Jesus. This is the first time I've felt this level of difficulty in the choice to stay with Him. It's possible that some of these feelings are rising from hormones (just being real, y'all). But, even still, for now this is how I feel. (Don't freak out, He's got a good hold on me - and He's not letting go, even if my grip on the hem of His robe is weak.)

I just feel like so much has been lost in this season. I miss the man I thought I was going to marry. I miss my grandma. I miss my family (or at least the concept of them). I miss feeling like my job has purpose. I feel like the deep hope I had for a family of my own has disappeared. I've been asking Jesus to restore it in only a way He can, I just don't understand how He can, you know? And, His Word says that hope deferred makes a heart sick. I'm feeling that, for sure.

I think the magnitude of it all is really just beginning to hit me. I hadn't finished grieving the first loss before my Grandma got sick and I didn't realize fully that losing my grandma would feel like I lost my family too.

While I feel much loss, I don't want to be ignorant of the incredible gifts Jesus has given in this season. In the absence of certain people + things, I've seen His provision in ways that I don't think I would've seen otherwise (just typing that makes joy trickle into my heart like Light).

But, I also am still grieving. It's crazy the amount of loss that can happen in a mere matter of months. The repercussions ripple like boulders thrown onto a pond, and there's no sign of it ending.

So, here on this Saturday afternoon, I'm praying for the grace to contend. To fight for the life Jesus died then rose again to give. Ultimately, that means, to stop resisting these really hard places and just to let Him fight for me.

This season will not be the end of me because death was not the end of Him. I am not my pain because He took it on. By His grace, I will trust His sovereignty, contend for hope, and see this barren tree bloom again.

(Also, just as a side note, I share about my life here and on FB because it's one thing that helps me to not feel alone in these emotions. If you have been journeying with me and praying for me, thank you so much. Friend, your "presence" has meant more to me than you know.)