Sojourn.

The pipe broke in the bathroom
and then we couldn't stay.
Water covered the floor;
they worked hard to take the liquid away.

It seeped down deep
and the ceiling tiles fell in the basement.
HVAC equipment roared,
and you could've sworn that maybe the house was a spaceship.

The flood was unwanted,
an untimely Christmas gift.
Gift? Am I sure of such a thing?
Indeed, for this pipe burst is teaching me of sojourning.

A kind mentor has opened her home to me,
for as long as I need.
At night I lay my head in a bed -
and I miss my own.

In some strange way,
this is reminding me,
that this world is not my Home.
I think of Another who felt the same sentiment.

Although He was the King of the Universe,
He bowed low - coming as an Infant.
He had no bed, no place to lay His head,
just a manger and maybe some straw.

The theme continued on,
a Nomad with no true home.
Yet in His life and death and life again,
He made it so we could be one.

Where He is
is my True Home.
Even though a pipe burst
has me on sojourn.

Contend.

There is much on my heart these days. I'm not always sure what to do with it. Much of the time, I find myself talking about it or thinking about it more than I go to the One who knows better than all. In all of these situations, I am processing it out. Trying to make sense of it all. The question remains though - will any of it every make sense, really?

I am struggling. Normally, I am able to see at least a little past the struggle to contend with my emotions to keep pressing into Him. In the past, even in these places of contending and hard emotions, there has been a stubborn place that absolutely refuses to walk away from the Hope that is found in the Gospel alone - believing that there is no where else to go for life than Jesus. This is the first time I've felt this level of difficulty in the choice to stay with Him. It's possible that some of these feelings are rising from hormones (just being real, y'all). But, even still, for now this is how I feel. (Don't freak out, He's got a good hold on me - and He's not letting go, even if my grip on the hem of His robe is weak.)

I just feel like so much has been lost in this season. I miss the man I thought I was going to marry. I miss my grandma. I miss my family (or at least the concept of them). I miss feeling like my job has purpose. I feel like the deep hope I had for a family of my own has disappeared. I've been asking Jesus to restore it in only a way He can, I just don't understand how He can, you know? And, His Word says that hope deferred makes a heart sick. I'm feeling that, for sure.

I think the magnitude of it all is really just beginning to hit me. I hadn't finished grieving the first loss before my Grandma got sick and I didn't realize fully that losing my grandma would feel like I lost my family too.

While I feel much loss, I don't want to be ignorant of the incredible gifts Jesus has given in this season. In the absence of certain people + things, I've seen His provision in ways that I don't think I would've seen otherwise (just typing that makes joy trickle into my heart like Light).

But, I also am still grieving. It's crazy the amount of loss that can happen in a mere matter of months. The repercussions ripple like boulders thrown onto a pond, and there's no sign of it ending.

So, here on this Saturday afternoon, I'm praying for the grace to contend. To fight for the life Jesus died then rose again to give. Ultimately, that means, to stop resisting these really hard places and just to let Him fight for me.

This season will not be the end of me because death was not the end of Him. I am not my pain because He took it on. By His grace, I will trust His sovereignty, contend for hope, and see this barren tree bloom again.

(Also, just as a side note, I share about my life here and on FB because it's one thing that helps me to not feel alone in these emotions. If you have been journeying with me and praying for me, thank you so much. Friend, your "presence" has meant more to me than you know.)

Love Brings Death.

This has been on of the hardest seasons of my life. For multiple reasons. This season has been marked by the "death" of many things. And, no matter how you look at it, death is hard. For me personally, this has looked like the death of a relationship. The loss of which felt like a literal death at times, except I was still breathing.

Another "death" came in being hit with the reality that things are not how they used to be. This concept was marked by sitting in a hospital room watching my grandmother struggle to breathe. Never in my life have I seen my grandmother as weak as I've seen her in the past few weeks. It has rocked me in ways that I couldn't have predicted and reduced me to tears at the most unexpected of times.

In the midst of all this "death", God showed me something new a few weeks ago through His Word. I was listening to a teaching on John 11. And, within this story, Jesus stares death in the face and shows it who's boss. It's the story of Lazarus. The story starts out with Lazarus's sisters calling to Jesus, letting Him know that Lazarus was very sick, and this is where we pick it up:

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that Lazarus was ill, He stayed two days longer where He was." John 11: 5-6

This Scripture messes with my theology in the best was possible. Do you see it?

Because of Jesus' love for His friends, He stayed where He was. For two whole days. And, by doing so, Lazarus died.

This begs the question - what if there are times when death happens as a result of our Savior's love for us?

What if this season of death is a direct result of His love for me?

See - we know how this story ends. Before Jesus shows up on the scene, He talks to His disciples and lets them know that it is for their benefit that Lazarus died. Glory would be shown as a result. Yet, when Jesus arrives, met by the grieving sisters of Lazarus, you wouldn't know it. Martha straight up blames Jesus for the death of her brother. Jesus answers with this:

"I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet he shall live, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?" John 11: 25:26

It sure didn't look like it in that moment. But, with Jesus, death never ends in death. No matter what the "death" is. He is constantly at work. When Martha knew only knew death and life had not yet come for her brother - Jesus asked a very important question: Do you believe I am who I say I am?

Her response was equally as important: Yes, Lord.

Shortly after this conversation, Jesus speaks three words and death loosens its grip on Lazarus. I imagine that Lazarus came hopping out looking like a mummy.

What if His love brings death, only to get the glory when new life bursts forth?

I don't know where you are at when you are reading this words. You might be in the middle of a fantastic season. Or, you might be in the lowest of lows. Maybe you're grieving the loss of a relationship...or of your health....or that you are hurting, again. Hear this, dear Reader....

No matter what our eyes see. No matter what the circumstance. No matter the season or the level of darkness we find ourselves in. Jesus does not change. There is not a moment when He is not actively working to bring life from whatever death we are facing. He never stops redeeming. Nothing is wasted. Not even death.

I imagine Him asking us the same question that He asked Martha: Do you believe Me? Do you believe I will bring life out of this? Do you believe that I Am Life?

May our response be the same, even before He speaks the word to bring the end to this season:

Yes, Lord.