I love to dream.
I am not talking about dreaming while I sleep, either. I'm talking about those things that come inside my mind + heart that make me grin from ear to ear without me realizing it. Then, when I come to again, I realize how big of a cheesin' fool I probably look like to everyone around me. But I don't care.
Because I love to dream.
And, I especially love dreaming with Jesus. Mostly because His dreams are so much bigger than mine are + I like learning to dream big like He does. (What daughter doesn't want to be like her Dad, right?!).
In this season, I am seeing His promises come to life. It's not like these promises weren't alive before, it's just that I didn't believe them. I don't like admitting that. But, it's true. This season, though, is one of walking through darkness.
You guys probably know Ben is gone for a bit this summer - and I am so excited to see what God does in/through him. Gosh - I just know it is going to be breathtakingly beautiful. What you probably don't know is that I am walking through a place of grieving my parents. 22 + 17 years after their death (Mom + Dad, respectively) and it's something I've never done before. I am grieving losing parts of my childhood to abuse. I am grieving those moments when I was left physically alone by the ones who I thought would always be around.
Can I just be honest? It's been so hard. And it's hurt. And I think I cried more last week than I have in such a long time. The grief ebbs and flows - but there is joy running underneath at all.
Simultaneously, I am watching God's hand orchestrate beauty that I would have never dreamed possible (see what I did there? :)). Just in the past week - I got to meet with + counsel a beautiful woman from the SAME CITY that Ben is working at in the Philippines. Also, I got to pray with a beautiful Muslim woman in the Name of Jesus in the middle of a restaurant (a Japanese restaurant playing country music, mind you). His grace is so sweet and personal.
For years, I've been afraid of the darkness that my past would bring up. The death of my parents + dealing with the mess of my childhood is enough to cause someone to crack. For years, I've run from it. And, finally, I decided to quit. You know what I've realized?
The darkness isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be - because, Jesus is right slam in the middle of it with me.
There is something beautifully redemptive about this season. I catch myself dreaming about the promises He has spoken to my heart. Dreaming of the day when I will walk down an aisle in white to a man I love, joining together to tell the story He has been telling all along. And the best part is, we'll get to tell the Story to some who have never heard it before.
I dream + taste the redemption He is unfolding in my life. I am beginning to actually believe that I am beautiful + His beloved instead of unwanted and screwed up. Even though it hurts sometimes, even though it's hard - His grace abounds.
And, because of Jesus, I dream in the darkness.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.
Psalm 139:11-12
