Repentance and Rest.

I sit with Bible and journal open, and hopefully, a heart equally as so. Pen in hand. His Words whispering to my heart ripple like a rock across a pond...

---> Will you repent of your distrust?<---

I pause and wait, trying to process the words that He's spoken with His Spirit. Thoughts flood my heart and head...

To repent of distrust would mean trusting Him. You can't turn from the one without doing the other. Fear creeps in. "But Jesus", my heart inquires, "what if I trust You and You hurt me? What if I surrender all, really - all, and You forsake me?"

What if.....what if...

LIES.

The Enemy has been good at this for eons. He is the father of lies. Jesus brings Truth. The next day, in the same posture of *trying* to listen (which these days has been difficult), Jesus whispers again...

---> Will you trust Me enough to rest?<---

Again, I have to stop to take in what He said. Rest. Rest. Rest. What is that again?

It's been such a long time. Isn't that what my heart craves? And He knows it. It's more than just sleep - though, trust me, I've wanted that too.

The rest that Jesus offers is the deep, heart rest. The kind that stills this wandering heart of mine. It spills over into relationships with stability and joy. It consumes with a depth that cannot be explained. It provides peace that - literally - passes all understanding.

I'm still processing this, even as I'm repenting and reaching out to take His hand.

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'" Isaiah 30:15

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I Am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Oh Jesus, let me have all of it. Let me give You free reign and lay down my burdens at Your feet. Let me obey joyfully. Please, let my heart find rest solely in You.

Nothing.

I sit at my desk with the the Book flipped open
to the pages of the Psalms.
I force myself to read,
feeding on the nourishment of the Son.

My eyes move back and forth across the words written on the page
as if they are dead and lifeless
not spoken by the Word of Life Himself.

My heart struggles to enter in
and quietly whispers:
Jesus, what do I do when I don't desire You?
How do I bandage these blisters?

His voice is hard to hear
but He speaks anyway:
Beloved, so many things vie for your affection.
Your heart needs rest.

He loves me here - lavishing wild and free.
His grace finds me here - for He holds the key.
The truth of the matter is...

Even when I don't desire Him,
His desire is for me.

My heart goes back to His Words in John 15
As a Vine is with a branch, so you abide with Me.
Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Not even desire.

The reality of His words sink in.
I can't do it on my own.
But my weakness is His grace...His throne.
Today I will struggle - but He will be near.

For even when I don't desire to pursue Him,
He pursues me.

The Living Book.

I sit at Barnes and Noble after a hard day. I hadn't felt like myself all day long and it had been difficult. I wasn't sure why. So, I sat with my journal and my Bible open to Ephesians...listening as my sweet King Jesus whispered words of my promise to my weary heart.

Every now and again, I would look up from where I was sitting and scan the aisles. Mostly because I love people watching...and I do it without even realizing it sometimes. Yet, as I scanned the aisles, I began to see something deeper than just the people.

There are thousands of books in Barnes and Noble...at least. It is a very happy place for someone like me. You can find a book on anything. Health. Porcupines. The Pharaohs of  Egypt. Underwater Basket Weaving. Literally, anything.

But there is one Book that is different from all the rest. It is living and breathing. It has a heart that beats for every single person that has ever set foot in the store...and then some. It beckons each person by name to come and be satisfied.

What Book?

The Word of God.

The Word of God spoken by the Word Himself spills words across pages that tell the story of redemption. It's a story that carries such weight and beauty. A story of the King who steps down from His throne to redeem a people that are His Own....but they don't recognize Him. Instead they condemn Him to death....a cruel death. So, He willingly lays down His life, continuing to weave the scarlet thread with His blood through the story He is telling.

Three days later, He rises. Flesh and blood, bearing scars of love eternally, He rises. Never to die again. Joy spills from His laugh, love like oceans pours from His heart, His eyes burn with a jealous fire as He wages war for our hearts.

This Word..this Book...is different. Through it, Jesus beckons you and I to come to Him and be satisfied. He asks us to come in order for Him to LAVISH His love on us.

Maybe He is asking you the same question of you that He asked me yesterday...

--> I long to lavish My love on you. Won't you let Me? Will you stop fretting long enough to hear Me speaking calm over the storm you think you're in? Only to find there wasn't a storm at all...you were just focusing on the waves instead of on My face. Find Me faithful here, Beloved. I haven't left. I haven't changed. I love you. Right here - I love you. <--

What are you waiting for? Go to Jesus. He loves you so.

Stuck Between Now and Not Yet

I am sitting on my lunch break as my fingers tip-tap across the keyboard this afternoon. There is worship music playing in my headphones and my heart is wide awake, eyes wide open to the thoughts scurrying about the season I am in.

Summer. Now.

I can honestly say that this summer has been one of the most difficult things I have ever subjected myself to willingly. Jesus has stretched me in ways that I was not anticipating and mostly, it has felt like really hard work. Why? Well, for the first time, I am dating someone and, for the summer, we are long distance. Ben (the boyfriend) is such a man of honor and man of God. He deals with my random freak outs so well and I am grateful for the grace he shows toward me.

But, even more than that, I am grateful for what Jesus is showing me here. It's hard, because I so badly want to find Him right here. Yet, my heart eagerly awaits the time when this season is over and things return to a more steady beat of normal.

Even in typing that, I have to smile and shake my head...yeah, right....normal. What I am learning now more than ever is that "normal" is not what I ever expected. Seasons of life, this one included, brings unexpected challenges and struggles. It is hard. So hard. And, it was not what I anticipated. At all.

BUT. (Don't you just love that word...) But, Jesus has been so steady through it all. The reality of the matter is that He knows me so much better than I know myself. If I were the one writing this story, I would've written it differently. I would have penciled in less struggle and made it easier. I would have plotted the storyline according to the lies culture has told me about romance and dating. I would have lost my way in the process.

Praise God, I am not the one writing the story. But I certainly know the One who is.

Jesus.

He only gives good gifts. He only leads sovereignly. He gives what we need. This King, sweet Jesus, has known me since before I existed. He knew about this season. He knew the struggle it would bring. And, He know that I would find Him faithful here. Right between the Now....and the Not Yet. Right here when He whispers: "Wait" to my longing heart yet again. Right here as He shows me that He is worthy of trust.

See, the point of this story is not for my (or your) comfort. It is for His glory. It is to be more like Him...transforming into His image...glory to glory.

Praise God. The King is faithful. Jesus will finish what He started.

 ^"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Leafy Rejoicing.

I love to watch
the sun dance
on the leaves
attached to the trees
that sway back and forth
to the song You sing with the wind.

I wonder what they'd say
while they dance and they sway,
just waiting for redemption to be complete.

Would they tell of the days
when the fullness of Your grace
rested here with no curse to be found?

Would they tell me the story
of all of Your glory
before they were even a seed in the ground?

Would they stand so tall
with roots running deep
and remind me of
Your strength, sweet King?

For now, I watch and wonder
while my imagination takes over.
But, one day, soon, I'll find out
for when You come,
the trees themselves will clap!

With leafy fingers, full of rejoicing
they'll be noisy
for they've been waiting
all this time
for Your second coming.

Come, You will,
the time is ticking down.
All the trees will bow.
I will join them.

In the present, though, I will wait
right here, in the fury of Your grace,
and watch the trees dance again.

Shhh, heart.

Shhh, heart.
Listen close.
The lies you hear
are not the truth.

Loud they may roar
and persistent they may be..
but lies are still lies,
soon you'll see.

For if you'll be quiet, heart,
you'll find the tune.
Listen now for the sweet melody
of the King singing over you.

If you be quiet and rest,
then stop reading into everything,
perhaps you'll hear
the gentle voice of your King.

He calls you His Own,
His beloved,
His prize.

Go on, lift up your gaze.
Look right into His eyes.
Let the Truth you see there
repel all the lies.

Because you are His,
there is nothing to lack.
Believing anything else
is simply an attack.

So, heart, be set on Jesus.
He's steady and true.
Just stay here with Him.
He'll take care of you.

Don't Despise.

There is so much going on these days. The semester is winding down and I'm standing in a place I've never been before. It feels like I'm standing in the thick of the forest, looking down an untraveled path. I don't know what the path holds. It could be tumultuous. And scary. It could be beautiful.

I guess I'll have to risk it.

So often, I get wrapped up in the desire to be somewhere else doing anything but what I'm actually doing. Here, let me be a little more specific: I want to be married and serving the Lord among the nations. I want to be done with school and all of the stress that it brings. Yet, here I am...in America, working and going to school full time. Sometimes it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water.

These moments of despising where I'm at come when I forget Who I am with. You see, I am not alone standing at the beginning of this path. There is One who encourages my heart to stay and wait for what He is doing here. This is a season of preparation, He reminds me. One day, everything I learned and experienced right here will serve to be a part of the blaze of His glory. And, it will be beautiful. He has a habit of making everything beautiful in its time.

So, here I stand. The forest looks thick and dark. The path is not well worn, which could mean getting lost or stumbling over some unforeseen obstacle...but, if I listen closely, birds are singing the praise of the One who opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing. If I look closely, I can see the flowers that don't labor or toil, yet He clothes them in such majestic beauty, though they are here today and gone tomorrow.

What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. Not with Him here. I will walk this path for the glory of His Name. The scars on His hands earned my trust. It's the same hand that takes a hold of mine now.

Yes, Jesus, I will go with You. Whatever may come in this season, be glorified.

Beauty Unveiled.

Tonight, my heart feels like it's in a million places. This deep longing is stirring like the ocean on a restless night. What longing, you ask?

The one for beauty, of course.

You see, this longing goes far deeper than just the skin (though, some days you might not know it). This longing plummets into the depths of my heart...deeper than the Mariana's Trench. It's a God-given longing that reminds me of Home. I yearn to be recognized yet fear that I am too much. I want to inspire awe yet simultaneously hope to fade into the background. I think that I'm not good enough yet He's placed within me a worth that can't be explained.

How does all of this make sense? How does it all come together?

I'm not sure. I never promised this blog would make sense.

But, He raises His voice:

You are so beautiful.

I think He pauses because He knows I won't believe it. Oh, but I long to. I long to take my King at His Word and walk in the truth of who He has made me to be: the very essence of His image....a daughter of the King.

The longing wells up...and He is found faithful here. Of course. He always is.

I wait.

He stays with me.

Oh for grace to trust You more.

Lord of the Dance.

Tonight, my heart is fixed on Your hand extended toward me again.
It seems like no matter what, You are always ready to dance.
When I forget and I fail,
when I falter, unable to stand...

There You are,
here with me.
The same music plays that has played throughout all eternity.

Your gaze says more than words...
You invite me to swirl and twirl,
more lost in Your presence than ever before.

You stop, and looking at me longingly,
as if extending an invitation to dance on Your feet again.
My ear pressed against Your chest,
Your heartbeat sure and steady,
sings me to sleep tonight.

All the transition and learning...
all the idols that seek for the attention of my heart
will never be able to stop You
my risen and reigning King.

So, here we are again...
I reach out and take Your hand...

and the dance begins anew.