Hutchmoot 2017 Musings

{I am finally writing about Hutchmoot! About time, right? ;) For my friends who are still wondering what the heck I am talking about - part of me is too. *grin* Hutchmoot is a gathering of people who love story, art, music, and community. You can find a (somewhat) informative video over here. The best part is when Pete Peterson laughs at the question "What is Hutchmoot?" ;) Anywho, I hope you enjoy my ramblings as I continue processing the weekend.}

It's been a month now since Hutchmoot. At this time a month ago, I was sitting in a devotional time - letting the words of morning prayer in Every Moment Holy wash over me. I would go on to a session that encouraged me to create without fear, because my identity isn't in the art I make, but in the Risen King I serve. I would sit in sessions about grief and lament, about who I am in Christ, and about pursuing Him first in whatever other vocation I find myself in. I would grieve, weep, feel deeply the reality that I'll never be the girl I used to be. My pain has changed me. Yet, I was met with such sweet beauty because I walked away with the truth anew that Jesus loves me right here. Right now.

It's taken me this long to begin to realize that Hutchmoot awakened something in my heart - calling to my true self, the beloved daughter of His that I am - and somehow, I feel like I am more myself than I was before. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But, it's how I feel. Over and over again, I've come back to the thought that the Kingdom Jesus is building is true and real and beautiful and among us now. It is also in the not yet. There is a tension held here. It is a Kingdom unshakeable and it is the inheritance of the children of the King. This dispels a lot of fear that I've felt as of late.

While attending this sweet conference, I tasted the present, coming Kingdom in the long tables of warm, scrumptious food, stories of (at the time) stranger friends wafting as sweet spices, and deep laughter. I tasted it in my tears and grief - shedding off the old so that the new could come forth. I felt it in the embrace of a new friend as the sobs racked my body and the truth she spoke over me oozed over the wounds like warm balm.

On the first evening of Hutchmoot, Andrew Peterson took the stage to welcome all of us to the weekend. He shared that, in September, he visited Israel and had the opportunity to go to the Wailing Wall. He learned that Jews pray and weep at the wall because it is the closest place they can get to where God's glory used to dwell. They can't go up to the temple mount anymore because a mosque sits there. So, they press against the only wall left standing when the second temple was destroyed. They weep and slip little slips of paper containing prayers, hoping that, eventually, their Messiah will come. Andrew shared that he held his hands against the wall next to a Jewish man who was sobbing as he prayed. He said that he felt like, in a sense, they were asking for the same thing - that God's Kingdom would come to earth. As Andrew closed the illustration, he said that he also couldn't help but to feel like Lucy in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe pressing against the back of the wardrobe, wanting to get back into Narnia.

Just a week before Hutchmoot, I told Jesus that I felt like there was a wall in front of my heart - blocking my perception of beauty. I told Him I didn't know what to do with it and asked if He would do something about it. After Andrew shared that first night, we had dinner. I shared with a new friend (who, I discovered, lives only an hour away from me! squeeee!) of the wall that I felt. Somewhere along the way, I wondered what would happen if - instead of being afraid of the wall, pushing away from it - I leaned into it...pressing in to the (sacred?) space I may find there.

So, with the help of my King and my new found friends, that's what I did. As the weekend continued, my heart woke up. For the first time in such a long time, my heart felt alive again. Even in the grief and lament, I saw cracks start to trickle down the wall - and buttery, warm light started spilling through. Something was happening. Something that is full of holy magic, beauty, and truth.

Hutchmoot didn't give me answers in neat packages tied with pretty bows. Normally, that's what I want. Somehow, though, this time - I appreciated the gift even more because it didn't tie anything up. Instead, Hutchmoot led me back to the King that I fell in love with 11 years ago now. It reminded me of a Kingdom coming that is unshakeable...immoveable. As Andrew Peterson says (and sometimes sings!) frequently, it reminded me that "the stories are true".

The wall is still standing in front of my heart. I'm still pressing into it. But, there are more cracks now than there were even a month ago. And, I see an army standing with me - pressing into the beauty of eternity found in the present of now. Maybe the wall doesn't fall on this side of the story - but the cracks keep coming, the light keeps spilling forth.

Aslan is on the move.

Seasons of Pain.

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Pain.

I've been thinking a lot about my pain lately. In recent weeks, I'm beginning to accept that the pain I have walked through these past few years has changed me. The losses of relationships, both romantic and familial, both from death and from choice, have marked me deeply. Sometimes, the wounds still hemorrhage, leaving dull , deep aches in their wake. 

I admit that I have medicated my pain. I have tried to ignore it. I have lived my life as though nothing happened, as though everything was fine. The only thing that got me is depression and anxiety. I've learned in this journey, pain cannot be ignored. We can try to ignore it, but we will fail.

That's the thing with pain - it's a dynamic force that snaps us to attention, even as we crumble to a heap on the floor from it all.

And, if we let Him, God uses this pain as a tool. He takes the things that were meant for evil and uses them for good. He takes the side effects from living in a broken world (broken relationships, death, and a plethora of other things) and brings redemption. I'm finding, though, that this redemption does not always look the way I want it to or the way I think it should.

The truth is, I've been afraid of the changes that have come from my pain, afraid to acknowledge that I am not the person I was two years ago when all of it began. Over the past few weeks, though, with the help of my counselor, I've started questioning my fear.

"Is it a bad thing that the pain has changed you, Miranda?", he asked.

Ah, my knee jerk reaction is yes. Because I'm scared. Because this is new, different, foreign. I am quicker to be silent where perhaps, once, I would speak. I am slower to go back to the familial relationships that broke me, drawing a line where there once was none. 

I am able to better sit in the pain of others because of walking the deep waters of my own pain.

Is it a bad thing?

No.

I'm just scratching the surface of this, just beginning to form my thoughts into some words. This past season was on purpose. And this current place is on purpose.

I don't have much family that I keep in touch with. I am in a season of being alone here in this great big world. (I'm using the term alone in the sense of biological family - parents, grandparents, etc. not in reference to community - I have a stellar community that I am so grateful for.)

The second question that has started coming up is - what if Jesus wants me here, "alone", to be just with Him for this season?  He does that all the time in the Scriptures, inviting the disciples to come away with Him and rest. I can't even dream of the redemption that could come out of that, if I would only come.

This place is strategic. Richard Foster writes in Celebration of Discipline, "Jesus calls us from loneliness to solitude."

There is something to this. In the solitude, we are postured to hear Jesus. We are postured for the silence to come and do the heavy lifting that we try so hard to avoid. We are postured to find that the answer to these painful longings are ultimately found in the One who is familiar with suffering and who has caught all of our tears.

And, this....this is where the deeper work of healing begins.

Sojourn.

The pipe broke in the bathroom
and then we couldn't stay.
Water covered the floor;
they worked hard to take the liquid away.

It seeped down deep
and the ceiling tiles fell in the basement.
HVAC equipment roared,
and you could've sworn that maybe the house was a spaceship.

The flood was unwanted,
an untimely Christmas gift.
Gift? Am I sure of such a thing?
Indeed, for this pipe burst is teaching me of sojourning.

A kind mentor has opened her home to me,
for as long as I need.
At night I lay my head in a bed -
and I miss my own.

In some strange way,
this is reminding me,
that this world is not my Home.
I think of Another who felt the same sentiment.

Although He was the King of the Universe,
He bowed low - coming as an Infant.
He had no bed, no place to lay His head,
just a manger and maybe some straw.

The theme continued on,
a Nomad with no true home.
Yet in His life and death and life again,
He made it so we could be one.

Where He is
is my True Home.
Even though a pipe burst
has me on sojourn.

Contend.

There is much on my heart these days. I'm not always sure what to do with it. Much of the time, I find myself talking about it or thinking about it more than I go to the One who knows better than all. In all of these situations, I am processing it out. Trying to make sense of it all. The question remains though - will any of it every make sense, really?

I am struggling. Normally, I am able to see at least a little past the struggle to contend with my emotions to keep pressing into Him. In the past, even in these places of contending and hard emotions, there has been a stubborn place that absolutely refuses to walk away from the Hope that is found in the Gospel alone - believing that there is no where else to go for life than Jesus. This is the first time I've felt this level of difficulty in the choice to stay with Him. It's possible that some of these feelings are rising from hormones (just being real, y'all). But, even still, for now this is how I feel. (Don't freak out, He's got a good hold on me - and He's not letting go, even if my grip on the hem of His robe is weak.)

I just feel like so much has been lost in this season. I miss the man I thought I was going to marry. I miss my grandma. I miss my family (or at least the concept of them). I miss feeling like my job has purpose. I feel like the deep hope I had for a family of my own has disappeared. I've been asking Jesus to restore it in only a way He can, I just don't understand how He can, you know? And, His Word says that hope deferred makes a heart sick. I'm feeling that, for sure.

I think the magnitude of it all is really just beginning to hit me. I hadn't finished grieving the first loss before my Grandma got sick and I didn't realize fully that losing my grandma would feel like I lost my family too.

While I feel much loss, I don't want to be ignorant of the incredible gifts Jesus has given in this season. In the absence of certain people + things, I've seen His provision in ways that I don't think I would've seen otherwise (just typing that makes joy trickle into my heart like Light).

But, I also am still grieving. It's crazy the amount of loss that can happen in a mere matter of months. The repercussions ripple like boulders thrown onto a pond, and there's no sign of it ending.

So, here on this Saturday afternoon, I'm praying for the grace to contend. To fight for the life Jesus died then rose again to give. Ultimately, that means, to stop resisting these really hard places and just to let Him fight for me.

This season will not be the end of me because death was not the end of Him. I am not my pain because He took it on. By His grace, I will trust His sovereignty, contend for hope, and see this barren tree bloom again.

(Also, just as a side note, I share about my life here and on FB because it's one thing that helps me to not feel alone in these emotions. If you have been journeying with me and praying for me, thank you so much. Friend, your "presence" has meant more to me than you know.)

Love Brings Death.

This has been on of the hardest seasons of my life. For multiple reasons. This season has been marked by the "death" of many things. And, no matter how you look at it, death is hard. For me personally, this has looked like the death of a relationship. The loss of which felt like a literal death at times, except I was still breathing.

Another "death" came in being hit with the reality that things are not how they used to be. This concept was marked by sitting in a hospital room watching my grandmother struggle to breathe. Never in my life have I seen my grandmother as weak as I've seen her in the past few weeks. It has rocked me in ways that I couldn't have predicted and reduced me to tears at the most unexpected of times.

In the midst of all this "death", God showed me something new a few weeks ago through His Word. I was listening to a teaching on John 11. And, within this story, Jesus stares death in the face and shows it who's boss. It's the story of Lazarus. The story starts out with Lazarus's sisters calling to Jesus, letting Him know that Lazarus was very sick, and this is where we pick it up:

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that Lazarus was ill, He stayed two days longer where He was." John 11: 5-6

This Scripture messes with my theology in the best was possible. Do you see it?

Because of Jesus' love for His friends, He stayed where He was. For two whole days. And, by doing so, Lazarus died.

This begs the question - what if there are times when death happens as a result of our Savior's love for us?

What if this season of death is a direct result of His love for me?

See - we know how this story ends. Before Jesus shows up on the scene, He talks to His disciples and lets them know that it is for their benefit that Lazarus died. Glory would be shown as a result. Yet, when Jesus arrives, met by the grieving sisters of Lazarus, you wouldn't know it. Martha straight up blames Jesus for the death of her brother. Jesus answers with this:

"I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet he shall live, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?" John 11: 25:26

It sure didn't look like it in that moment. But, with Jesus, death never ends in death. No matter what the "death" is. He is constantly at work. When Martha knew only knew death and life had not yet come for her brother - Jesus asked a very important question: Do you believe I am who I say I am?

Her response was equally as important: Yes, Lord.

Shortly after this conversation, Jesus speaks three words and death loosens its grip on Lazarus. I imagine that Lazarus came hopping out looking like a mummy.

What if His love brings death, only to get the glory when new life bursts forth?

I don't know where you are at when you are reading this words. You might be in the middle of a fantastic season. Or, you might be in the lowest of lows. Maybe you're grieving the loss of a relationship...or of your health....or that you are hurting, again. Hear this, dear Reader....

No matter what our eyes see. No matter what the circumstance. No matter the season or the level of darkness we find ourselves in. Jesus does not change. There is not a moment when He is not actively working to bring life from whatever death we are facing. He never stops redeeming. Nothing is wasted. Not even death.

I imagine Him asking us the same question that He asked Martha: Do you believe Me? Do you believe I will bring life out of this? Do you believe that I Am Life?

May our response be the same, even before He speaks the word to bring the end to this season:

Yes, Lord.

Refiner's Fire

There is a deep beauty here. A depth that I do not understand. The flames of my Refiner's blazing love burn all around me. Sometimes I wonder if my tears could extinguish the flame, but His love and grace blaze more fierce than the deepest of my sorrow.

I have asked for this season to be cut short. Prayed that the work could be accomplished in a shorter amount of time. That this wayward heart of mine would be molded in the heat quickly. Yet, all that comes is the knowing gaze of my Refiner - signaling clearly that is not His will. Then there is silence.

And, sometimes, it is deafening.

But, I am grateful for it. Even though the hurt is real, there is more running underneath, more happening than simply what meets the eye. A newness being birthed. Dross being burned away. Ultimately, the Refiner's chief joy is heating this fire again and again until He sees His reflection.

The reality is - it is impossible to be burned as long as the Refiner is close by. And, He promised to never leave. I am called to trust the loving grip of my Refiner's scarred hands.

He is at work here. He will accomplish what He set forth to do. And, the end result will be beautiful. For now, though, I give myself to the fire of His love and set my gaze on His beauty beaming from within the blaze.

Rise.

"Finally Pilate handed Him [Jesus] over to be crucified. So the soldiers took charge of Jesus." John 19:16

My eyes got stuck on these words the other day as my heart feasted on the Living Word of life. I poured over them - over and over again - eyes wide in wonder over the beauty of the Gospel found in these few words. Let's just remember Who we are talking about here...

Colossians 1 says: "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (vs. 15-17)

And, the soldiers took charge of Him? Are you kidding me? Jesus was the very reason those soldiers could even take their next breath. He was the reason their muscles and tendons held together. He was why they didn't turn into a puddle on the ground. For crying out loud, even in that moment, Jesus - beaten, weary, and bloody - could have turned those soldiers into said puddle without lifting a finger. All He had to do was speak a word...and the soldiers would've been broken on the spot.

But He didn't.

All of His might, all of His power - tempered into meekness as He allows the soldiers to lead Him away to a cross that was mine and yours. Doesn't it seem too good to be true?

Earlier that day, Jesus had a conversation with Pilate, it was rather one-sided, and it went like this:
"Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked Him, 'Are you the king of the Jews?' 'Yes, it is as you say.', Jesus replied. When He was accused by the chief priests and the elders, He gave no answer. Then Pilate asked Him, 'Don't you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?' But He gave no reply, not even to a single charge - to the great amazement of the governor." Matthew 27:11-14

Why on earth didn't Jesus answer for Himself? It makes no sense - even Pilate stood dumbfounded by the silence of the One called the King of the Jews. The reasoning stands the same as to why He let the soldiers take charge of Him...

Jesus didn't rise to His own defense when He was accused. For in His silence, He rose to ours.

He was willing to do everything needed to bring us redemption. We know how the story goes, right? Those soldiers took Jesus and nailed Him the the cross - leaving Him to drown in His own blood. But, the soldiers weren't expecting what would happen a few days later:

Jesus rose. He walked out of the grave, sealing our redemption forever.

Child of God, what is keeping you from resting in His love tonight? Jesus gave all for you - and He wants all of you.Won't you let Him have it? You won't regret it.

"He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

Dreaming in the Darkness.

I love to dream.

I am not talking about dreaming while I sleep, either. I'm talking about those things that come inside my mind + heart that make me grin from ear to ear without me realizing it. Then, when I come to again, I realize how big of a cheesin' fool I probably look like to everyone around me. But I don't care.

Because I love to dream.

And, I especially love dreaming with Jesus. Mostly because His dreams are so much bigger than mine are + I like learning to dream big like He does. (What daughter doesn't want to be like her Dad, right?!).

In this season, I am seeing His promises come to life. It's not like these promises weren't alive before, it's just that I didn't believe them. I don't like admitting that. But, it's true. This season, though, is one of walking through darkness.

You guys probably know Ben is gone for a bit this summer - and I am so excited to see what God does in/through him. Gosh - I just know it is going to be breathtakingly beautiful. What you probably don't know is that I am walking through a place of grieving my parents. 22 + 17 years after their death (Mom + Dad, respectively) and it's something I've never done before. I am grieving losing parts of my childhood to abuse. I am grieving those moments when I was left physically alone by the ones who I thought would always be around.

Can I just be honest? It's been so hard. And it's hurt. And I think I cried more last week than I have in such a long time. The grief ebbs and flows - but there is joy running underneath at all.

Simultaneously, I am watching God's hand orchestrate beauty that I would have never dreamed possible (see what I did there? :)). Just in the past week - I got to meet with + counsel a beautiful woman from the SAME CITY that Ben is working at in the Philippines. Also, I got to pray with a beautiful Muslim woman in the Name of Jesus in the middle of a restaurant (a Japanese restaurant playing country music, mind you). His grace is so sweet and personal.

For years, I've been afraid of the darkness that my past would bring up. The death of my parents + dealing with the mess of my childhood is enough to cause someone to crack. For years, I've run from it. And, finally, I decided to quit. You know what I've realized?

The darkness isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be - because, Jesus is right slam in the middle of it with me.

There is something beautifully redemptive about this season. I catch myself dreaming about the promises He has spoken to my heart. Dreaming of the day when I will walk down an aisle in white to a man I love, joining together to tell the story He has been telling all along. And the best part is, we'll get to tell the Story to some who have never heard it before.

I dream + taste the redemption He is unfolding in my life. I am beginning to actually believe that I am beautiful + His beloved instead of unwanted and screwed up. Even though it hurts sometimes, even though it's hard - His grace abounds.

And, because of Jesus, I dream in the darkness.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You. 
Psalm 139:11-12

Being Redeemed.

{Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.} - Jesus, John 14:27

I come from a very broken family. In this season of my life, I am seeing my own belief of lies from that brokenness spring up in various relationships - especially with my sweet boyfriend. Over and over again, throughout the course of my life, I have seen numerous people - whose blood has a lot of similarities with mine - come in and out. I've been left behind/passed over on a lot of different occasions and have felt unwanted quite a bit (see - there's a lie right there...unwanted.). When things got hard, I've seen people leave. When things got heated, words cut deep, wounding my heart, leaving me bleeding. I've also done quite a bit of wounding (I'm not innocent, friends.). Words fly like arrows fast released from a bow in this type of dark brokenness. I've felt the sting of feeling like an orphan, heard the Enemy hiss, whispering words of unbelief into my already lie-prone heart.

I'm not telling you this so that you'll have pity on me. Please, save that for someone else. I'm telling you so that I can explain why the verse you see at the top of this page has been turning over and over again in my heart since I read it earlier today.

Jesus is different. This is true for you, too, dear reader. Can you just listen...real close...hear Him say it: I do not give to you as the world gives.

Find it hard to wrap your heart around that Truth? Good, I'm glad I'm not the only one. But, do you know the beautiful thing about Truth? It's still true, no matter how we feel about it.

I look at my life, and while there is tremendous pain and brokenness, there are also depths of joy that I struggle to put into words. There is a deep beauty that literally blows me away. Hear me, friend, look me in the eye...

Jesus will not leave you like your Dad (or uncle, or grandad, or husband, or fill-in-the-blank) did.

Jesus will not give you empty words of promise like the day when that family member (or friend, or significant other...)told you they were coming through for you and then they didn't.

Jesus will not deceive you, using you only for His own advantage, like the (dare I say it) man who told you that he loved you only to use you.

Jesus will not duck out when things get so hard that you do not think you can even lift your head up anymore.

He. Does. Not. Give. As. The. World. Gives.

You do not have to live in your past. Neither do I. Ever again.

This is not the past. This is redemption. Believe me, I know it's hard. I am slam in the middle of it. But, do you see the next words from John 14:27?

"Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Can't you just hear His gentle voice, see His eyes filling with compassion as He whispers over us? See, though, that this is a command. Because Jesus is different, not giving as the world gives, we need not be afraid.

This Jesus, this Savior, is in it through the thick and thin. He is not afraid of our darkness. His scars are the marks of our redemption....He sure isn't gonna stop now. He will finish what He started.

We are being redeemed.

Chasing the Sunrise.

The sun sets again over mountains, turning the Blue Ridge pink. I watch and wonder if the sun remembers the command from One to stand still. The exhale of the day comes quickly as the cold creeps steadily across this ball of green and blue and darkness falls.

Darkness.

The darkness comes. And with it, thoughts of wishing the sun could, perhaps, go in reverse instead of standing still. But, that can't happen. It's not the Creator's will.

Our choices have weight. Each day, they ebb and flow, influenced by emotions, thoughts, feelings, belief, truth, lies, and everything in-between. While the Creator did cause the sun to stand still, He will not throw it in reverse.

The darkness stays for now.

Its hands hold the earth in a grasp lasting approximately 12 hours. Then, the warmth of the sun brilliantly flows through windows, coffee drip-drops into a pot, and sleepy eyes open to the dawn of a new day.

The morning always comes. The sunrise always sure.

But, not yet. For now, darkness has the land in sway.

I blink and blink to adjust my eyes. Working through things long past in this darkness. It always has a way of bringing things up that you never really wanted to see again. Never wanted to speak of or feel. The darkness washes up lack of trust, fear of vulnerability, uncertainty. And I am left here. In the darkness. With it all.

But not alone.

There is One who stays, even in the midst of darkness. One who does not fear it or falter because of it. He is the One who issued the command for the sun to stand still...and the One from Whose mouth, the sun came into existence.

He is present in this darkness. And He does not move or budge.

Together, we chase the sunrise.

He whispers to my weary heart: ---> It won't be this way forever, Beloved. The Light is coming. Be held by Me. <---

His gentleness melts my heart as my eyes turn toward the horizon...

the Sunrise is coming.

Spring is Coming.

I am just winding down after a beautiful Sunday - it was almost 70 degrees here today...in the middle of February. I took a nap with my bedroom window open after having an impromptu lunch with a friend from church. It was lovely.

I'm home now. The window is still open. There is a candle burning. And I just started a load of laundry - gearing up for the new week.

Days like today remind me that Spring is coming. I mean, really, how often do we get a 70 degree day...in the MIDDLE OF WINTER (Thank you, Virginia!). I get excited for Spring and warmer weather. Also, everything starts to turn green, flowers bloom, and the earth becomes alive again. It will not be winter forever.

Today, as I have thought about this, I saw it as applicable to my life now, and I wonder how it may apply to you as well. Right now, my life is beautiful. I am super busy, finishing out my last semester of my undergraduate career. Jesus keeps giving me "random" ministry opportunities and just refreshing my heart in the Truth of the Gospel. I am falling more in love with Him every day. My relationship with Ben (my boyfriend) is growing and I am so excited to be adventuring with him.

But, there are struggles too. My heart tends to fear. I struggle to trust Jesus sometimes - especially when it comes to those areas of my life that require trust in other relationships. In the moments that my heart is overwhelmed with these lies, it feels like winter in my soul. And, if I'm honest, sometimes I want to run away and hide. I wonder if I will ever be able to wrap my heart around Truth and actually walk it out. I wonder if it will always be this way.

Do you have struggles like this to? Are there moments when you think that you will never be free?

Listen and be encouraged, dear reader, Spring is coming.

Resurrection is on the way.

Jesus breathes life into those cold, dark places where Winter tries to hold fast. And, when Jesus does this, Winter can't hold on. Jesus promised freedom to His children - let's learn to trust Him. Let's be brave together. For the same power that rose Jesus from the dead is at work - right now - in our lives. What a glorious time for Winter to end and Spring to begin...

"See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land." Song of Solomon 2:11-12

Repentance and Rest.

I sit with Bible and journal open, and hopefully, a heart equally as so. Pen in hand. His Words whispering to my heart ripple like a rock across a pond...

---> Will you repent of your distrust?<---

I pause and wait, trying to process the words that He's spoken with His Spirit. Thoughts flood my heart and head...

To repent of distrust would mean trusting Him. You can't turn from the one without doing the other. Fear creeps in. "But Jesus", my heart inquires, "what if I trust You and You hurt me? What if I surrender all, really - all, and You forsake me?"

What if.....what if...

LIES.

The Enemy has been good at this for eons. He is the father of lies. Jesus brings Truth. The next day, in the same posture of *trying* to listen (which these days has been difficult), Jesus whispers again...

---> Will you trust Me enough to rest?<---

Again, I have to stop to take in what He said. Rest. Rest. Rest. What is that again?

It's been such a long time. Isn't that what my heart craves? And He knows it. It's more than just sleep - though, trust me, I've wanted that too.

The rest that Jesus offers is the deep, heart rest. The kind that stills this wandering heart of mine. It spills over into relationships with stability and joy. It consumes with a depth that cannot be explained. It provides peace that - literally - passes all understanding.

I'm still processing this, even as I'm repenting and reaching out to take His hand.

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'" Isaiah 30:15

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I Am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Oh Jesus, let me have all of it. Let me give You free reign and lay down my burdens at Your feet. Let me obey joyfully. Please, let my heart find rest solely in You.

Nothing.

I sit at my desk with the the Book flipped open
to the pages of the Psalms.
I force myself to read,
feeding on the nourishment of the Son.

My eyes move back and forth across the words written on the page
as if they are dead and lifeless
not spoken by the Word of Life Himself.

My heart struggles to enter in
and quietly whispers:
Jesus, what do I do when I don't desire You?
How do I bandage these blisters?

His voice is hard to hear
but He speaks anyway:
Beloved, so many things vie for your affection.
Your heart needs rest.

He loves me here - lavishing wild and free.
His grace finds me here - for He holds the key.
The truth of the matter is...

Even when I don't desire Him,
His desire is for me.

My heart goes back to His Words in John 15
As a Vine is with a branch, so you abide with Me.
Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Not even desire.

The reality of His words sink in.
I can't do it on my own.
But my weakness is His grace...His throne.
Today I will struggle - but He will be near.

For even when I don't desire to pursue Him,
He pursues me.

The Living Book.

I sit at Barnes and Noble after a hard day. I hadn't felt like myself all day long and it had been difficult. I wasn't sure why. So, I sat with my journal and my Bible open to Ephesians...listening as my sweet King Jesus whispered words of my promise to my weary heart.

Every now and again, I would look up from where I was sitting and scan the aisles. Mostly because I love people watching...and I do it without even realizing it sometimes. Yet, as I scanned the aisles, I began to see something deeper than just the people.

There are thousands of books in Barnes and Noble...at least. It is a very happy place for someone like me. You can find a book on anything. Health. Porcupines. The Pharaohs of  Egypt. Underwater Basket Weaving. Literally, anything.

But there is one Book that is different from all the rest. It is living and breathing. It has a heart that beats for every single person that has ever set foot in the store...and then some. It beckons each person by name to come and be satisfied.

What Book?

The Word of God.

The Word of God spoken by the Word Himself spills words across pages that tell the story of redemption. It's a story that carries such weight and beauty. A story of the King who steps down from His throne to redeem a people that are His Own....but they don't recognize Him. Instead they condemn Him to death....a cruel death. So, He willingly lays down His life, continuing to weave the scarlet thread with His blood through the story He is telling.

Three days later, He rises. Flesh and blood, bearing scars of love eternally, He rises. Never to die again. Joy spills from His laugh, love like oceans pours from His heart, His eyes burn with a jealous fire as He wages war for our hearts.

This Word..this Book...is different. Through it, Jesus beckons you and I to come to Him and be satisfied. He asks us to come in order for Him to LAVISH His love on us.

Maybe He is asking you the same question of you that He asked me yesterday...

--> I long to lavish My love on you. Won't you let Me? Will you stop fretting long enough to hear Me speaking calm over the storm you think you're in? Only to find there wasn't a storm at all...you were just focusing on the waves instead of on My face. Find Me faithful here, Beloved. I haven't left. I haven't changed. I love you. Right here - I love you. <--

What are you waiting for? Go to Jesus. He loves you so.

Stuck Between Now and Not Yet

I am sitting on my lunch break as my fingers tip-tap across the keyboard this afternoon. There is worship music playing in my headphones and my heart is wide awake, eyes wide open to the thoughts scurrying about the season I am in.

Summer. Now.

I can honestly say that this summer has been one of the most difficult things I have ever subjected myself to willingly. Jesus has stretched me in ways that I was not anticipating and mostly, it has felt like really hard work. Why? Well, for the first time, I am dating someone and, for the summer, we are long distance. Ben (the boyfriend) is such a man of honor and man of God. He deals with my random freak outs so well and I am grateful for the grace he shows toward me.

But, even more than that, I am grateful for what Jesus is showing me here. It's hard, because I so badly want to find Him right here. Yet, my heart eagerly awaits the time when this season is over and things return to a more steady beat of normal.

Even in typing that, I have to smile and shake my head...yeah, right....normal. What I am learning now more than ever is that "normal" is not what I ever expected. Seasons of life, this one included, brings unexpected challenges and struggles. It is hard. So hard. And, it was not what I anticipated. At all.

BUT. (Don't you just love that word...) But, Jesus has been so steady through it all. The reality of the matter is that He knows me so much better than I know myself. If I were the one writing this story, I would've written it differently. I would have penciled in less struggle and made it easier. I would have plotted the storyline according to the lies culture has told me about romance and dating. I would have lost my way in the process.

Praise God, I am not the one writing the story. But I certainly know the One who is.

Jesus.

He only gives good gifts. He only leads sovereignly. He gives what we need. This King, sweet Jesus, has known me since before I existed. He knew about this season. He knew the struggle it would bring. And, He know that I would find Him faithful here. Right between the Now....and the Not Yet. Right here when He whispers: "Wait" to my longing heart yet again. Right here as He shows me that He is worthy of trust.

See, the point of this story is not for my (or your) comfort. It is for His glory. It is to be more like Him...transforming into His image...glory to glory.

Praise God. The King is faithful. Jesus will finish what He started.

 ^"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Leafy Rejoicing.

I love to watch
the sun dance
on the leaves
attached to the trees
that sway back and forth
to the song You sing with the wind.

I wonder what they'd say
while they dance and they sway,
just waiting for redemption to be complete.

Would they tell of the days
when the fullness of Your grace
rested here with no curse to be found?

Would they tell me the story
of all of Your glory
before they were even a seed in the ground?

Would they stand so tall
with roots running deep
and remind me of
Your strength, sweet King?

For now, I watch and wonder
while my imagination takes over.
But, one day, soon, I'll find out
for when You come,
the trees themselves will clap!

With leafy fingers, full of rejoicing
they'll be noisy
for they've been waiting
all this time
for Your second coming.

Come, You will,
the time is ticking down.
All the trees will bow.
I will join them.

In the present, though, I will wait
right here, in the fury of Your grace,
and watch the trees dance again.

Shhh, heart.

Shhh, heart.
Listen close.
The lies you hear
are not the truth.

Loud they may roar
and persistent they may be..
but lies are still lies,
soon you'll see.

For if you'll be quiet, heart,
you'll find the tune.
Listen now for the sweet melody
of the King singing over you.

If you be quiet and rest,
then stop reading into everything,
perhaps you'll hear
the gentle voice of your King.

He calls you His Own,
His beloved,
His prize.

Go on, lift up your gaze.
Look right into His eyes.
Let the Truth you see there
repel all the lies.

Because you are His,
there is nothing to lack.
Believing anything else
is simply an attack.

So, heart, be set on Jesus.
He's steady and true.
Just stay here with Him.
He'll take care of you.

Don't Despise.

There is so much going on these days. The semester is winding down and I'm standing in a place I've never been before. It feels like I'm standing in the thick of the forest, looking down an untraveled path. I don't know what the path holds. It could be tumultuous. And scary. It could be beautiful.

I guess I'll have to risk it.

So often, I get wrapped up in the desire to be somewhere else doing anything but what I'm actually doing. Here, let me be a little more specific: I want to be married and serving the Lord among the nations. I want to be done with school and all of the stress that it brings. Yet, here I am...in America, working and going to school full time. Sometimes it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water.

These moments of despising where I'm at come when I forget Who I am with. You see, I am not alone standing at the beginning of this path. There is One who encourages my heart to stay and wait for what He is doing here. This is a season of preparation, He reminds me. One day, everything I learned and experienced right here will serve to be a part of the blaze of His glory. And, it will be beautiful. He has a habit of making everything beautiful in its time.

So, here I stand. The forest looks thick and dark. The path is not well worn, which could mean getting lost or stumbling over some unforeseen obstacle...but, if I listen closely, birds are singing the praise of the One who opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing. If I look closely, I can see the flowers that don't labor or toil, yet He clothes them in such majestic beauty, though they are here today and gone tomorrow.

What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. Not with Him here. I will walk this path for the glory of His Name. The scars on His hands earned my trust. It's the same hand that takes a hold of mine now.

Yes, Jesus, I will go with You. Whatever may come in this season, be glorified.

Beauty Unveiled.

Tonight, my heart feels like it's in a million places. This deep longing is stirring like the ocean on a restless night. What longing, you ask?

The one for beauty, of course.

You see, this longing goes far deeper than just the skin (though, some days you might not know it). This longing plummets into the depths of my heart...deeper than the Mariana's Trench. It's a God-given longing that reminds me of Home. I yearn to be recognized yet fear that I am too much. I want to inspire awe yet simultaneously hope to fade into the background. I think that I'm not good enough yet He's placed within me a worth that can't be explained.

How does all of this make sense? How does it all come together?

I'm not sure. I never promised this blog would make sense.

But, He raises His voice:

You are so beautiful.

I think He pauses because He knows I won't believe it. Oh, but I long to. I long to take my King at His Word and walk in the truth of who He has made me to be: the very essence of His image....a daughter of the King.

The longing wells up...and He is found faithful here. Of course. He always is.

I wait.

He stays with me.

Oh for grace to trust You more.

Lord of the Dance.

Tonight, my heart is fixed on Your hand extended toward me again.
It seems like no matter what, You are always ready to dance.
When I forget and I fail,
when I falter, unable to stand...

There You are,
here with me.
The same music plays that has played throughout all eternity.

Your gaze says more than words...
You invite me to swirl and twirl,
more lost in Your presence than ever before.

You stop, and looking at me longingly,
as if extending an invitation to dance on Your feet again.
My ear pressed against Your chest,
Your heartbeat sure and steady,
sings me to sleep tonight.

All the transition and learning...
all the idols that seek for the attention of my heart
will never be able to stop You
my risen and reigning King.

So, here we are again...
I reach out and take Your hand...

and the dance begins anew.