Stuck Between Now and Not Yet

I am sitting on my lunch break as my fingers tip-tap across the keyboard this afternoon. There is worship music playing in my headphones and my heart is wide awake, eyes wide open to the thoughts scurrying about the season I am in.

Summer. Now.

I can honestly say that this summer has been one of the most difficult things I have ever subjected myself to willingly. Jesus has stretched me in ways that I was not anticipating and mostly, it has felt like really hard work. Why? Well, for the first time, I am dating someone and, for the summer, we are long distance. Ben (the boyfriend) is such a man of honor and man of God. He deals with my random freak outs so well and I am grateful for the grace he shows toward me.

But, even more than that, I am grateful for what Jesus is showing me here. It's hard, because I so badly want to find Him right here. Yet, my heart eagerly awaits the time when this season is over and things return to a more steady beat of normal.

Even in typing that, I have to smile and shake my head...yeah, right....normal. What I am learning now more than ever is that "normal" is not what I ever expected. Seasons of life, this one included, brings unexpected challenges and struggles. It is hard. So hard. And, it was not what I anticipated. At all.

BUT. (Don't you just love that word...) But, Jesus has been so steady through it all. The reality of the matter is that He knows me so much better than I know myself. If I were the one writing this story, I would've written it differently. I would have penciled in less struggle and made it easier. I would have plotted the storyline according to the lies culture has told me about romance and dating. I would have lost my way in the process.

Praise God, I am not the one writing the story. But I certainly know the One who is.

Jesus.

He only gives good gifts. He only leads sovereignly. He gives what we need. This King, sweet Jesus, has known me since before I existed. He knew about this season. He knew the struggle it would bring. And, He know that I would find Him faithful here. Right between the Now....and the Not Yet. Right here when He whispers: "Wait" to my longing heart yet again. Right here as He shows me that He is worthy of trust.

See, the point of this story is not for my (or your) comfort. It is for His glory. It is to be more like Him...transforming into His image...glory to glory.

Praise God. The King is faithful. Jesus will finish what He started.

 ^"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Leafy Rejoicing.

I love to watch
the sun dance
on the leaves
attached to the trees
that sway back and forth
to the song You sing with the wind.

I wonder what they'd say
while they dance and they sway,
just waiting for redemption to be complete.

Would they tell of the days
when the fullness of Your grace
rested here with no curse to be found?

Would they tell me the story
of all of Your glory
before they were even a seed in the ground?

Would they stand so tall
with roots running deep
and remind me of
Your strength, sweet King?

For now, I watch and wonder
while my imagination takes over.
But, one day, soon, I'll find out
for when You come,
the trees themselves will clap!

With leafy fingers, full of rejoicing
they'll be noisy
for they've been waiting
all this time
for Your second coming.

Come, You will,
the time is ticking down.
All the trees will bow.
I will join them.

In the present, though, I will wait
right here, in the fury of Your grace,
and watch the trees dance again.

Shhh, heart.

Shhh, heart.
Listen close.
The lies you hear
are not the truth.

Loud they may roar
and persistent they may be..
but lies are still lies,
soon you'll see.

For if you'll be quiet, heart,
you'll find the tune.
Listen now for the sweet melody
of the King singing over you.

If you be quiet and rest,
then stop reading into everything,
perhaps you'll hear
the gentle voice of your King.

He calls you His Own,
His beloved,
His prize.

Go on, lift up your gaze.
Look right into His eyes.
Let the Truth you see there
repel all the lies.

Because you are His,
there is nothing to lack.
Believing anything else
is simply an attack.

So, heart, be set on Jesus.
He's steady and true.
Just stay here with Him.
He'll take care of you.

Don't Despise.

There is so much going on these days. The semester is winding down and I'm standing in a place I've never been before. It feels like I'm standing in the thick of the forest, looking down an untraveled path. I don't know what the path holds. It could be tumultuous. And scary. It could be beautiful.

I guess I'll have to risk it.

So often, I get wrapped up in the desire to be somewhere else doing anything but what I'm actually doing. Here, let me be a little more specific: I want to be married and serving the Lord among the nations. I want to be done with school and all of the stress that it brings. Yet, here I am...in America, working and going to school full time. Sometimes it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water.

These moments of despising where I'm at come when I forget Who I am with. You see, I am not alone standing at the beginning of this path. There is One who encourages my heart to stay and wait for what He is doing here. This is a season of preparation, He reminds me. One day, everything I learned and experienced right here will serve to be a part of the blaze of His glory. And, it will be beautiful. He has a habit of making everything beautiful in its time.

So, here I stand. The forest looks thick and dark. The path is not well worn, which could mean getting lost or stumbling over some unforeseen obstacle...but, if I listen closely, birds are singing the praise of the One who opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing. If I look closely, I can see the flowers that don't labor or toil, yet He clothes them in such majestic beauty, though they are here today and gone tomorrow.

What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. Not with Him here. I will walk this path for the glory of His Name. The scars on His hands earned my trust. It's the same hand that takes a hold of mine now.

Yes, Jesus, I will go with You. Whatever may come in this season, be glorified.

Beauty Unveiled.

Tonight, my heart feels like it's in a million places. This deep longing is stirring like the ocean on a restless night. What longing, you ask?

The one for beauty, of course.

You see, this longing goes far deeper than just the skin (though, some days you might not know it). This longing plummets into the depths of my heart...deeper than the Mariana's Trench. It's a God-given longing that reminds me of Home. I yearn to be recognized yet fear that I am too much. I want to inspire awe yet simultaneously hope to fade into the background. I think that I'm not good enough yet He's placed within me a worth that can't be explained.

How does all of this make sense? How does it all come together?

I'm not sure. I never promised this blog would make sense.

But, He raises His voice:

You are so beautiful.

I think He pauses because He knows I won't believe it. Oh, but I long to. I long to take my King at His Word and walk in the truth of who He has made me to be: the very essence of His image....a daughter of the King.

The longing wells up...and He is found faithful here. Of course. He always is.

I wait.

He stays with me.

Oh for grace to trust You more.

Lord of the Dance.

Tonight, my heart is fixed on Your hand extended toward me again.
It seems like no matter what, You are always ready to dance.
When I forget and I fail,
when I falter, unable to stand...

There You are,
here with me.
The same music plays that has played throughout all eternity.

Your gaze says more than words...
You invite me to swirl and twirl,
more lost in Your presence than ever before.

You stop, and looking at me longingly,
as if extending an invitation to dance on Your feet again.
My ear pressed against Your chest,
Your heartbeat sure and steady,
sings me to sleep tonight.

All the transition and learning...
all the idols that seek for the attention of my heart
will never be able to stop You
my risen and reigning King.

So, here we are again...
I reach out and take Your hand...

and the dance begins anew.

Flaming Blades.

It doesn't take much of anything
to remind me of
the flaming swords You left
swaying back and forth over the gates of the Garden
that You created in all perfection.

My failures catch up with me easily.
They seek to pin me to the ground
with no possibility of looking up
to find You.

The bright blades of fire swing mercilessly over
the one place I was made to be.
There's no way for me to get in...
certainly not trapped in my sin.
What am I supposed to do?

Quickly I turn my eyes to see the cross
rising so splendid and free
to see the One who was torn to pieces for me.
His perfection for my sin,
His righteousness for my filth...
What King would ever do such a thing?

Only Jesus.

Waves come and waves go,
newness of seasons like tides roll...
Yet, even though, so often I forget...
You are there, inviting me to lift my head.
You bear my failure and pick me up.
If it wasn't for You, I'd be crushed.

Deliver me from the fear I'm in...
help me to keep holding Your hand.
Soon, I know the truth, reality will be-
the swords in the Garden will stop their swinging..

And I will be Home with You forever.
There, face to face, I will see-
the One who took the nails for me.
Forever I'll sing, forever I'll dance...
forever I'll live in Your romance.