Don't Despise.

There is so much going on these days. The semester is winding down and I'm standing in a place I've never been before. It feels like I'm standing in the thick of the forest, looking down an untraveled path. I don't know what the path holds. It could be tumultuous. And scary. It could be beautiful.

I guess I'll have to risk it.

So often, I get wrapped up in the desire to be somewhere else doing anything but what I'm actually doing. Here, let me be a little more specific: I want to be married and serving the Lord among the nations. I want to be done with school and all of the stress that it brings. Yet, here I am...in America, working and going to school full time. Sometimes it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water.

These moments of despising where I'm at come when I forget Who I am with. You see, I am not alone standing at the beginning of this path. There is One who encourages my heart to stay and wait for what He is doing here. This is a season of preparation, He reminds me. One day, everything I learned and experienced right here will serve to be a part of the blaze of His glory. And, it will be beautiful. He has a habit of making everything beautiful in its time.

So, here I stand. The forest looks thick and dark. The path is not well worn, which could mean getting lost or stumbling over some unforeseen obstacle...but, if I listen closely, birds are singing the praise of the One who opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing. If I look closely, I can see the flowers that don't labor or toil, yet He clothes them in such majestic beauty, though they are here today and gone tomorrow.

What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. Not with Him here. I will walk this path for the glory of His Name. The scars on His hands earned my trust. It's the same hand that takes a hold of mine now.

Yes, Jesus, I will go with You. Whatever may come in this season, be glorified.

Beauty Unveiled.

Tonight, my heart feels like it's in a million places. This deep longing is stirring like the ocean on a restless night. What longing, you ask?

The one for beauty, of course.

You see, this longing goes far deeper than just the skin (though, some days you might not know it). This longing plummets into the depths of my heart...deeper than the Mariana's Trench. It's a God-given longing that reminds me of Home. I yearn to be recognized yet fear that I am too much. I want to inspire awe yet simultaneously hope to fade into the background. I think that I'm not good enough yet He's placed within me a worth that can't be explained.

How does all of this make sense? How does it all come together?

I'm not sure. I never promised this blog would make sense.

But, He raises His voice:

You are so beautiful.

I think He pauses because He knows I won't believe it. Oh, but I long to. I long to take my King at His Word and walk in the truth of who He has made me to be: the very essence of His image....a daughter of the King.

The longing wells up...and He is found faithful here. Of course. He always is.

I wait.

He stays with me.

Oh for grace to trust You more.

Lord of the Dance.

Tonight, my heart is fixed on Your hand extended toward me again.
It seems like no matter what, You are always ready to dance.
When I forget and I fail,
when I falter, unable to stand...

There You are,
here with me.
The same music plays that has played throughout all eternity.

Your gaze says more than words...
You invite me to swirl and twirl,
more lost in Your presence than ever before.

You stop, and looking at me longingly,
as if extending an invitation to dance on Your feet again.
My ear pressed against Your chest,
Your heartbeat sure and steady,
sings me to sleep tonight.

All the transition and learning...
all the idols that seek for the attention of my heart
will never be able to stop You
my risen and reigning King.

So, here we are again...
I reach out and take Your hand...

and the dance begins anew.

Flaming Blades.

It doesn't take much of anything
to remind me of
the flaming swords You left
swaying back and forth over the gates of the Garden
that You created in all perfection.

My failures catch up with me easily.
They seek to pin me to the ground
with no possibility of looking up
to find You.

The bright blades of fire swing mercilessly over
the one place I was made to be.
There's no way for me to get in...
certainly not trapped in my sin.
What am I supposed to do?

Quickly I turn my eyes to see the cross
rising so splendid and free
to see the One who was torn to pieces for me.
His perfection for my sin,
His righteousness for my filth...
What King would ever do such a thing?

Only Jesus.

Waves come and waves go,
newness of seasons like tides roll...
Yet, even though, so often I forget...
You are there, inviting me to lift my head.
You bear my failure and pick me up.
If it wasn't for You, I'd be crushed.

Deliver me from the fear I'm in...
help me to keep holding Your hand.
Soon, I know the truth, reality will be-
the swords in the Garden will stop their swinging..

And I will be Home with You forever.
There, face to face, I will see-
the One who took the nails for me.
Forever I'll sing, forever I'll dance...
forever I'll live in Your romance.

Extravagance.

I awoke this morning to a sea of color
swaying in the wind
outside my bedroom window.

Just a few months ago,
when it was still Spring,
I thought to myself...
"His favorite color must be green!"

But, now I look out into the sea of
reds and oranges and yellows
Indeed, I may have been mistaken...
He always loves to surprise me, you know.

Maybe such blissful extravagance on His part
is to teach me more about His heart.
Because, you know, just a few months more,
the trees will be barren and starting over.

He will begin the process again,
as a Vine with a Branch.
Ever so faithfully, ever so true...
He'll prune them and make them new.

So it is with You and I here.
As a Vine is to a branch,
or a tree is to a leaf,
may I give You all I am.

Jesus, be my Everything.

Musings on an Autumn Day.

There's a lot going on in my heart. A depth that I don't fully understand. The way He loves me astounds me and leaves me with this....joyful satisfaction. How could it be that the King could know everything about me and still love?! Oh, but He does.

Right outside my window, He's been painting this beautiful view for a few weeks now. The season is changing and the color of the leaves is proving it. He is so constant. Not just for the seasons of the Earth, but for the seasons of my life. Could it be that He is painting His masterpiece through my life more beautifully than the leaves I see on display outside? Oh, but He is.

The best part is, it wasn't ever my idea. I'd never be so clever to come up with something so scandalous and beautiful. Oh, but He did.

I've been resting today. I might've even skipped my Greek class. And a few bees have been bouncing off my window all morning trying to get in. They, of course, have not be successful...but they are persistent.

I can see His personality bring and clear...
through the color of the leaves.
the bright blue sky.
and even the bees.

Just a snapshot of my heart on this bright & beautiful Autumn day.

Peculiarities.

Such a peculiar world we live in these days.
How quickly I forget Your grace...
when I watch the giants of the faith
I've looked up to since I was a little girl
start to spiral down a staircase of declining health.
My knee-jerk reaction is to fear...
to run and hide my eyes,
simply because I forget that You are here.

Such a quirky place this world can be,
when in a day,
the joy in my heart turns to melancholy.
When yet again, I face my sin...
and feel the need to hide.
Simply because I forget that You, my God, are on my side.

In the midst of the peculiar and the quirks
the fear and the pain
the sadness in my heart
that feels like pouring rain,

strong and steady You stand.
Never letting go of my hand.
Loving me fully.
Belting over me in song.
Once again, You will rise, and melt away the fog.

But, right here and now, I will stay
fully present in the mist...
trusting that even though I don't feel You...
Your embrace is stronger yet.