Musings on an Autumn Day.

There's a lot going on in my heart. A depth that I don't fully understand. The way He loves me astounds me and leaves me with this....joyful satisfaction. How could it be that the King could know everything about me and still love?! Oh, but He does.

Right outside my window, He's been painting this beautiful view for a few weeks now. The season is changing and the color of the leaves is proving it. He is so constant. Not just for the seasons of the Earth, but for the seasons of my life. Could it be that He is painting His masterpiece through my life more beautifully than the leaves I see on display outside? Oh, but He is.

The best part is, it wasn't ever my idea. I'd never be so clever to come up with something so scandalous and beautiful. Oh, but He did.

I've been resting today. I might've even skipped my Greek class. And a few bees have been bouncing off my window all morning trying to get in. They, of course, have not be successful...but they are persistent.

I can see His personality bring and clear...
through the color of the leaves.
the bright blue sky.
and even the bees.

Just a snapshot of my heart on this bright & beautiful Autumn day.

Peculiarities.

Such a peculiar world we live in these days.
How quickly I forget Your grace...
when I watch the giants of the faith
I've looked up to since I was a little girl
start to spiral down a staircase of declining health.
My knee-jerk reaction is to fear...
to run and hide my eyes,
simply because I forget that You are here.

Such a quirky place this world can be,
when in a day,
the joy in my heart turns to melancholy.
When yet again, I face my sin...
and feel the need to hide.
Simply because I forget that You, my God, are on my side.

In the midst of the peculiar and the quirks
the fear and the pain
the sadness in my heart
that feels like pouring rain,

strong and steady You stand.
Never letting go of my hand.
Loving me fully.
Belting over me in song.
Once again, You will rise, and melt away the fog.

But, right here and now, I will stay
fully present in the mist...
trusting that even though I don't feel You...
Your embrace is stronger yet.

Fog.

There seems to be a fog over the eyes of my heart
so that I can't see where You're leading me these days
as You navigate me through this land of new beginnings.

Could it be that this fog is
a sign of Your love...
the proof of Your grace?

Because I must hold Your hand,
being in this place.
I can barely see the next step...

You pull me tighter into Your embrace.
Where I am safe and sound
You whisper words of trust...

This breaks the silence now.
Even though I'm afraid,
Your request my fear.

The scars on Your hands show
what You did to bring me near.
So, here in this fog...

There's a new Son rising.
You're breaking the dawn on the horizon
of my heart.

And soon...
the fog...
will melt away.

I'll still be here,
Resting in Your embrace.
By Your grace...trusting You forever.

Dust.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14

Dust.
A pile of dust in middle of the floor.
Neat and concise, but not alive.
The slightest swift motion could send it flying everywhere.
Without the slightest chance that it would be seen again.

But not with You.
And You're walking in the door.
Picking up the dust,
cradling it gently in Your hands,
the scars there show where the nails have been.

You breathe and speak at the same time...
"Dust!",You say, "Come alive!"
Just as natural as the sun rising...
that dust comes to life.
Because not even dust can disobey the King as He speaks with such bold authority.

As in the days of Ezekiel,
bones and tendons join out of dust.
Skin covers these and a heart beats, steady and strong.
Just like the One who made it.

And so, we live our lives out here...
just as dust--fragile, but alive.
Dust that is loved,
dust that is prayed for all the time by Jesus,
dust that belongs to the King.

If you watch His eyes, as He looks at us,
as He speaks,
as He works,
You'll see the twinkle there.

Could it be that the King is waiting for the day
that ashes to ashes...
dust to dust...

We'll return to Him again.
And all things will be redeemed.

The Loneliness is Me.

How can I not be lonely?
I try so hard to find comfort in
the ones I think are listening
and I run
and I strive
only to be left feeling like the dead of night.

You see,
this loneliness is IN me.
The more I run, the more I fail
because this loneliness has me bound up in jail.

It displays itself in the midst of a wide array of emotion
something like the ocean
with colors of greens and blues
with many depths
that are mainly skewed. 

The only way out is not the way in.
But it's reaching up to take the Savior's hand.
I hear Him whisper: "My child, it won't always be this way.
While the loneliness is here now, it doesn't get the final say.
Because greater am I who is in you than the loneliness you choose to obey."

So, Jesus I lock my eyes on You.
Though I may FEEL this loneliness is in me...
the TRUTH is...

I am in You.

But, I want You.

Jesus, do you remember when You were so real to me? And You filled my heart with such joy that I thought it may explode at any given second? 

What happened?

I want to go back to that. Or move forward to that. To You. To Your joy. Your love. Your peace. You, Jesus, You. I am weary of saving face. When my face tries to pretend that my heart isn't doubting. I do a really good job of wearing a mask. But, the struggle is here and it's real. Will you come in the midst of it?

Let me collide with You again and Your grace. Let me hear the Gospel again in the shocking scandal of it all. Abba, please, capture my heart up in You. Help me to trust Your Spirit in me. To trust You with me. Right here. Right now.

Come, Lord Jesus, please come.

Light.

The day has been full of ups and downs.

The ups happened when I met with a good friend out of town...until I started feeling sickly. That was a bit of a down. But it was the only down. I really liked spending time with her.

The downs happened later. But, that is beside the point.

The point is. right now in this moment, I believe that I am loved by the King.

Understand, my reader, that these moments are sometimes few and far between. I've been asking for them to be closer together. Tonight, He answered. And the feelings of this love--His Love--Love Himself--is spilling into my heart like warm sunshine on a clear day.

Tomorrow, I may forget. Then, He'll remind me again. But, right now, I believe. I stand in the Light of Love, throw my head back, and rest in the arms of the One who is Forever. After all, He's the One leading this dance anyways. :)

Abba, I believe, only help my unbelief.